It's not by choice, all though I sometimes think that the idea of a convent, at least the seclusion of it, would be a wonderful thing. Too bad I'm a techno-hermit! I like my internet, video games, movies and television.
I'm currently taking a class on the Gospel of John. I'm 2 weeks from completing the course with a very high grade. I excel in school which is something I never thought would be true. Not only do I do well in college, something many a teacher, parent and friend said wouldn't happen, but I enjoy it as well. Every since the moment I gave myself to God, I have only had things work out for me, except for one thing....relationships.
Let me make it clear, I am not the type to preach or push my religion on others. However, I am a disciple of Christ and I feel no shame in it. On top of that my life is pretty much revolving around scripture, church and trying to understand who I am in relation to my Creator. IT'S A BIG DEAL TO ME! I'm not going to school for accounting nor am I pursuing a degree in literature or history (not that there is anything wrong with those paths); I am chasing God. I would think that people who are my friends and family would be supportive rather than standoff-ish.
I thought when I read in scripture of Christ telling us that the world would hate us for being His disciple, that He was really talking about historically or talking about Christians in non-Christian countries were people are still persecuted. I did not realize that He was telling me that people I have known and loved would turn from me even though I have only changed for the better.
It makes me sad; for myself and for them. I have found so much comfort and peace in the arms of my God, religion put aside. I don't party any more. I rarely drink. I am working too hard to better my life to spend my time on a bar stool. So, now my best friend of 20 years has no time for me. My BEST friend. It's sad to me that she's so attached to booze and her party friends that she doesn't care anymore about what's happening with me.
peace,
Nirr
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Here I am...
So, I don't expect that anyone will actually read this. I'm doing this in order to get some of this...stuff...out of my head. I guess I should give you a little background.
I am 41 years old and work as a full time nanny and a part time sitter. I am also going to school almost full time, studying to be a Pastor with the intention of going on to seminary in Boston, The Episcopal Divinity School to be specific.
I lost my mother about 5 and a half years ago and it was really the beginning of a massive change in my life! She passed suddenly from what we believe was a blood clot related to a knee replacement surgery and cellulitus. It was one of the most horrible events in my life. I was also laid off from my job two weeks after her death when my company moved all of their customer service down south. So, here I was without my mother, who was my best friend in the world though I didn't know it when she was alive, and no job. I didn't do much with my life for the first two years after she died. I was miserable and I didn't want to fix it right away, in fact I couldn't see how it could be fixed. After that I got a new office job for a small company and really put all my hopes for a new beginning in that job. Well, it was the worst job I've ever had and the atomosphere was so rancid that I ended up having a "nervous breakdown". I lost that job, which looking back was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I remember sitting on my couch and looking around my apartment thinking about loosing it and being homeless. I had been away from the church for about 20 years at this point and while I prayed out of habit before bed every night, my heart wasn't in it. I sat there in tears, full of fear, and I asked God for help. I said, "I'll go back to church if you want God, but you need to show me the way." I googled local churches and there were two in the area that were my denomination. I picked the one that was closest and resolved to go the next day. I thought I knew where it was by the address so the next morning I got up and headed there. When I got to the place I believed it was, it wasn't. Every part of me said to just turn around and try again next week because I was comfortable with things going wrong. Then I heard this little voice in my head that said "take the next left," which I did saying to myself "if I don't see after this turn I give up." At the end of that street I saw the big stone steeple and thought "Wow, I almost went home." I pulled into the Church parking lot full of anxiety and fear. I was already crying and thought again, "Go home and try again next week," but I didn't. I got out and went in. I picked a pew in the middle of the church and pushed down against the wall. I sat through the service, participated as I could, but sobbed through the whole thing. At the point where we shake hands and offer the Peace of the Lord to others, one of the laypersons approached me and slipped me a slip of paper with her phone number. She said, "If you ever need someone to talk to, please call me and I will listen," and then hugged me. I felt embarrassed but I could not stop crying. As I left, the Pastor shook my hand and looked into my eyes and said that he would be praying for me, and he hoped I would come back. I went home and applied to a large Evangelical College and am now in my Junior Year pursuing a degree in Religion with a double major in Early Childhood Education.
Well, having grown up in a liberal state, in a liberal denomination, I find that the Evangelical Theology of my school is something I struggle with. My experience is that most of my classmates, whether in a religion class or a general education class, are very close minded and they get very angry and aggressive if I disagree with their interpretation of scripture. I didn't expect anything else, and would have attended another college if I could have found one that offered an online program and was closer in theology to my own denomination, but that wasn't an option for accredited schools at the time. I have learned a lot from my school and find myself defending it as often as I find myself frustrated with my classmates.
I want to talk about God, Christ and the things that I'm learning but I find that all of the people who would take to me about spirituality in the past, refuse to now that I have aligned myself with a specific denomination and decided to become a Pastor. I don't think I've changed. I'm not preachy, I've never been a bible beater or in anyone's face about my spiritual beliefs and ideas. So, here I am. I'm going to try to work some of it through here.
peace,
Nirr
I lost my mother about 5 and a half years ago and it was really the beginning of a massive change in my life! She passed suddenly from what we believe was a blood clot related to a knee replacement surgery and cellulitus. It was one of the most horrible events in my life. I was also laid off from my job two weeks after her death when my company moved all of their customer service down south. So, here I was without my mother, who was my best friend in the world though I didn't know it when she was alive, and no job. I didn't do much with my life for the first two years after she died. I was miserable and I didn't want to fix it right away, in fact I couldn't see how it could be fixed. After that I got a new office job for a small company and really put all my hopes for a new beginning in that job. Well, it was the worst job I've ever had and the atomosphere was so rancid that I ended up having a "nervous breakdown". I lost that job, which looking back was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I remember sitting on my couch and looking around my apartment thinking about loosing it and being homeless. I had been away from the church for about 20 years at this point and while I prayed out of habit before bed every night, my heart wasn't in it. I sat there in tears, full of fear, and I asked God for help. I said, "I'll go back to church if you want God, but you need to show me the way." I googled local churches and there were two in the area that were my denomination. I picked the one that was closest and resolved to go the next day. I thought I knew where it was by the address so the next morning I got up and headed there. When I got to the place I believed it was, it wasn't. Every part of me said to just turn around and try again next week because I was comfortable with things going wrong. Then I heard this little voice in my head that said "take the next left," which I did saying to myself "if I don't see after this turn I give up." At the end of that street I saw the big stone steeple and thought "Wow, I almost went home." I pulled into the Church parking lot full of anxiety and fear. I was already crying and thought again, "Go home and try again next week," but I didn't. I got out and went in. I picked a pew in the middle of the church and pushed down against the wall. I sat through the service, participated as I could, but sobbed through the whole thing. At the point where we shake hands and offer the Peace of the Lord to others, one of the laypersons approached me and slipped me a slip of paper with her phone number. She said, "If you ever need someone to talk to, please call me and I will listen," and then hugged me. I felt embarrassed but I could not stop crying. As I left, the Pastor shook my hand and looked into my eyes and said that he would be praying for me, and he hoped I would come back. I went home and applied to a large Evangelical College and am now in my Junior Year pursuing a degree in Religion with a double major in Early Childhood Education.
Well, having grown up in a liberal state, in a liberal denomination, I find that the Evangelical Theology of my school is something I struggle with. My experience is that most of my classmates, whether in a religion class or a general education class, are very close minded and they get very angry and aggressive if I disagree with their interpretation of scripture. I didn't expect anything else, and would have attended another college if I could have found one that offered an online program and was closer in theology to my own denomination, but that wasn't an option for accredited schools at the time. I have learned a lot from my school and find myself defending it as often as I find myself frustrated with my classmates.
I want to talk about God, Christ and the things that I'm learning but I find that all of the people who would take to me about spirituality in the past, refuse to now that I have aligned myself with a specific denomination and decided to become a Pastor. I don't think I've changed. I'm not preachy, I've never been a bible beater or in anyone's face about my spiritual beliefs and ideas. So, here I am. I'm going to try to work some of it through here.
peace,
Nirr
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