Reasons why God shouldn't want me to be a Pastor

I think about this a lot. Especially since I decided to pursue being ordained.

I have always believed that I am supposed to be an ordained servant of God from my earliest memories.  As I grew up and life happened, I began to believe that there was no way that God would ever want me.  

I've been through a lot and to make a long story short, even though I am beyond damaged I made the choice to go to school, get an undergraduate degree and then go to seminary.  since I made that decision and acted on it, things for the most part are going right for me; in my spiritual life at least  I attended an Evangelical University for the last 3 years and it really challenged me to look at what Scripture says and what I believe.  

1. I believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ and in Scripture

2. I believe that Christ was connected to God in a way that we still don't understand

3. I believe in the Holy Spirit and that she is a feminine force

4. I believe in God as the Creator of all things

5. I believe that the Earth is billions of years old

6.  I believe that the Big Bang theory and the Theory of Evolution are currently the best scientific theories out there, though I believe they both have holes and in those holes I usually find God

7.  I believe in a scientific Adam and Eve.  I believe that scripture is the result of a very early understanding of an ultimate truth, that we call come from one man and one woman whom God made different.

8.  I believe that all religion is cultural reaction to the presence of God.  Religion is a human reaction to Divinity.  No religion has is right from what I've seen, especially those who still kill or ostracize in the name of their God. My God loves everyone according to scripture, regardless of where they live and how they understand who God is.  God knows that we still don't "get it" but God loves and forgives us anyway.

9.  I believe the commonality between all major religion is where we come closest to seeing who God really is.  

10.  I believe in reincarnation.  I know it's not supported in the Bible but I have my reasons and I do not believe it goes against scripture but simply isn't mentioned.   

11.  I believe that one can be a science nerd and a Christian.  One is not mutually exclusive of the other. 

12.  I believe that there has always been a war in Christianity between those who believe that Christ taught us that first we need to find the Kingdom within ourselves which will then manifest the Kingdom here and now versus those who think that we work towards a reward after we die in Heaven.  Scripture clearly says that the Kingdom of Heaven will come here on Earth.

This is hardly a full list of my beliefs and I have no doubt that as I study things may change and/or evolve as I learn and reflect and listen to God.  However, since I embarked on the path to give my life to the service of God I have only had success.  this leads me to believe that God, even though these are some of my beliefs, still wishes this of me.  I might not understand why, but I know I'm on the right path.

peace,
Nirr  

mandatory creationism

OK as I think I've mentioned I'm attending a University which was founded by a major Evangelist.  Until now I've really only had good things to say about most of the classes.  Every time I was sure that I was going to have to put up my dukes in a class, I was greatly surprised by the lack of bias.  There have been a few minor instances but overall I've had a positive experience and believe God led me there for more than the cheap tuition and the valid credits.  That said....

I'm now changing schools because I do not want to be associated with a college that makes in mandatory that all students take a class called The Origins of Life.  It is not a science class, though it's almost presented that way.  It's not a philosophy class nor could it be called a theology class.  I honestly felt as if I was sitting in a brainwashing class.

There were diagrams of the Ark with dinosaurs walking onto it next to humans and animals.  I was told that the belief in the Theory of Evolution was, logically, the root of racism.  I was told that the earth is less than 7,000 years old.  And this is all in just the first two weeks.

Now, I'm a science nerd and a Christian.  I don't know when it was decided that one was the polar opposite of the other.  Why can't I believe in God and believe that even now when we feel so technologically advanced, we really know very little.  I believe in the Big Bang Theory.  I'm no physicist but I've read enough and asked enough to understand the basic theory and the fact is that we have proof of the Big Bang but when we trace it back we hit a wall we cannot see beyond. For some scientists, that is just another challenge.  For me?  That is God.  Maybe someday we will see back beyond that point somehow.  However, Scripture tells me that there was nothing before that point but God.  I believe that.

I believe in scripture but I do not believe that it was intended to be a history or science text book!  And I think to try to make it that is to completely miss the point.  I believe God speaks to us through Holy Scripture and through our advances in Science.  I believe there are deep universal truths about who we are and where we come from that can be found in both.  I do not believe that either has all of the answers.

I hope to never be a member of the kind of Christianity that sticks its head in the sand and ignores scientific knowledge because it doesn't mesh with our current understanding of scripture.  God does not want us to live in the 1st century understanding of what God is or who we are in relation to the universe that was created for us.

peace.

On becoming a hermit...

It's not by choice, all though I sometimes think that the idea of a convent, at least the seclusion of it, would be a wonderful thing.  Too bad I'm a techno-hermit!  I like my internet, video games, movies and television.

I'm currently taking a class on the Gospel of John.  I'm 2 weeks from completing the course with a very high grade.  I excel in school which is something I never thought would be true.  Not only do I do well in college, something many a teacher, parent and friend said wouldn't happen, but I enjoy it as well.  Every since the moment I gave myself to God, I have only had things work out for me, except for one thing....relationships.

Let me make it clear, I am not the type to preach or push my religion on others.  However, I am a disciple of Christ and I feel no shame in it.  On top of that my life is pretty much revolving around scripture, church and trying to understand who I am in relation to my Creator.  IT'S A BIG DEAL TO ME!  I'm not going to school for accounting nor am I pursuing a degree in literature or history (not that there is anything wrong with those paths); I am chasing God.  I would think that people who are my friends and family would be supportive rather than standoff-ish.

I thought when I read in scripture of Christ telling us that the world would hate us for being His disciple, that He was really talking about historically or talking about Christians in non-Christian countries were people are still persecuted.  I did not realize that He was telling me that people I have known and loved would turn from me even though I have only changed for the better.

It makes me sad; for myself and for them.  I have found so much comfort and peace in the arms of my God, religion put aside.  I don't party any more.  I rarely drink.  I am working too hard to better my life to spend my time on a bar stool.  So, now my best friend of 20 years has no time for me.  My BEST friend.  It's sad to me that she's so attached to booze and her party friends that she doesn't care anymore about what's happening with me.

peace,
Nirr

Here I am...

So, I don't expect that anyone will actually read this.  I'm doing this in order to get some of this...stuff...out of my head.  I guess I should give you a little background.

I am 41 years old and work as a full time nanny and a part time sitter.  I am also going to school almost full time, studying to be a Pastor with the intention of going on to seminary in Boston, The Episcopal Divinity School to be specific.

I lost my mother about 5 and a half years ago and it was really the beginning of a massive change in my life!  She passed suddenly from what we believe was a blood clot related to a knee replacement surgery and cellulitus.  It was one of the most horrible events in my life.  I was also laid off from my job two weeks after her death when my company moved all of their customer service down south.  So, here I was without my mother, who was my best friend in the world though I didn't know it when she was alive, and no job.  I didn't do much with my life for the first two years after she died.  I was miserable and I didn't want to fix it right away, in fact I couldn't see how it could be fixed.  After that I got a new office job for a small company and really put all my hopes for a new beginning in that job.  Well, it was the worst job I've ever had and the atomosphere was so rancid that I ended up having a "nervous breakdown".  I lost that job, which looking back was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I remember sitting on my couch and looking around my apartment thinking about loosing it and being homeless.  I had been away from the church for about 20 years at this point and while I prayed out of habit before bed every night, my heart wasn't in it.  I sat there in tears, full of fear, and I asked God for help.  I said, "I'll go back to church if you want God, but you need to show me the way."  I googled local churches and there were two in the area that were my denomination.  I picked the one that was closest and resolved to go the next day.  I thought I knew where it was by the address so the next morning I got up and headed there.  When I got to the place I believed it was, it wasn't.  Every part of me said to just turn around and try again next week because I was comfortable with things going wrong.  Then I heard this little voice in my head that said "take the next left," which I did saying to myself "if I don't see after this turn I give up."  At the end of that street I saw the big stone steeple and thought "Wow, I almost went home."  I pulled into the Church parking lot full of anxiety and fear.  I was already crying and thought again, "Go home and try again next week," but I didn't.  I got out and went in.  I picked a pew in the middle of the church and pushed down against the wall.  I sat through the service, participated as I could, but sobbed through the whole thing.  At the point where we shake hands and offer the Peace of the Lord to others, one of the laypersons approached me and slipped me a slip of paper with her phone number.  She said, "If you ever need someone to talk to, please call me and I will listen," and then hugged me.  I felt embarrassed but I could not stop crying. As I left, the Pastor shook my hand and looked into my eyes and said that he would be praying for me, and he hoped I would come back.  I went home and applied to a large Evangelical College and am now in my Junior Year pursuing a degree in Religion with a double major in Early Childhood Education.

Well, having grown up in a liberal state, in a liberal denomination, I find that the Evangelical Theology of my school is something I struggle with.  My experience is that most of my classmates, whether in a religion class or a general education class, are very close minded and they get very angry and aggressive if I disagree with their interpretation of scripture. I didn't expect anything else, and would have attended another college if I could have found one that offered an online program and was closer in theology to my own denomination, but that wasn't an option for accredited schools at the time.  I have learned a lot from my school and find myself defending it as often as I find myself frustrated with my classmates.

I want to talk about God, Christ and the things that I'm learning but I find that all of the people who would take to me about spirituality in the past, refuse to now that I have aligned myself with a specific denomination and decided to become a Pastor.  I don't think I've changed.  I'm not preachy, I've never been a bible beater or in anyone's face about my spiritual beliefs and ideas.  So, here I am.  I'm going to try to work some of it through here.

peace,
Nirr