I am 41 years old and work as a full time nanny and a part time sitter. I am also going to school almost full time, studying to be a Pastor with the intention of going on to seminary in Boston, The Episcopal Divinity School to be specific.
I lost my mother about 5 and a half years ago and it was really the beginning of a massive change in my life! She passed suddenly from what we believe was a blood clot related to a knee replacement surgery and cellulitus. It was one of the most horrible events in my life. I was also laid off from my job two weeks after her death when my company moved all of their customer service down south. So, here I was without my mother, who was my best friend in the world though I didn't know it when she was alive, and no job. I didn't do much with my life for the first two years after she died. I was miserable and I didn't want to fix it right away, in fact I couldn't see how it could be fixed. After that I got a new office job for a small company and really put all my hopes for a new beginning in that job. Well, it was the worst job I've ever had and the atomosphere was so rancid that I ended up having a "nervous breakdown". I lost that job, which looking back was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I remember sitting on my couch and looking around my apartment thinking about loosing it and being homeless. I had been away from the church for about 20 years at this point and while I prayed out of habit before bed every night, my heart wasn't in it. I sat there in tears, full of fear, and I asked God for help. I said, "I'll go back to church if you want God, but you need to show me the way." I googled local churches and there were two in the area that were my denomination. I picked the one that was closest and resolved to go the next day. I thought I knew where it was by the address so the next morning I got up and headed there. When I got to the place I believed it was, it wasn't. Every part of me said to just turn around and try again next week because I was comfortable with things going wrong. Then I heard this little voice in my head that said "take the next left," which I did saying to myself "if I don't see after this turn I give up." At the end of that street I saw the big stone steeple and thought "Wow, I almost went home." I pulled into the Church parking lot full of anxiety and fear. I was already crying and thought again, "Go home and try again next week," but I didn't. I got out and went in. I picked a pew in the middle of the church and pushed down against the wall. I sat through the service, participated as I could, but sobbed through the whole thing. At the point where we shake hands and offer the Peace of the Lord to others, one of the laypersons approached me and slipped me a slip of paper with her phone number. She said, "If you ever need someone to talk to, please call me and I will listen," and then hugged me. I felt embarrassed but I could not stop crying. As I left, the Pastor shook my hand and looked into my eyes and said that he would be praying for me, and he hoped I would come back. I went home and applied to a large Evangelical College and am now in my Junior Year pursuing a degree in Religion with a double major in Early Childhood Education.
Well, having grown up in a liberal state, in a liberal denomination, I find that the Evangelical Theology of my school is something I struggle with. My experience is that most of my classmates, whether in a religion class or a general education class, are very close minded and they get very angry and aggressive if I disagree with their interpretation of scripture. I didn't expect anything else, and would have attended another college if I could have found one that offered an online program and was closer in theology to my own denomination, but that wasn't an option for accredited schools at the time. I have learned a lot from my school and find myself defending it as often as I find myself frustrated with my classmates.
I want to talk about God, Christ and the things that I'm learning but I find that all of the people who would take to me about spirituality in the past, refuse to now that I have aligned myself with a specific denomination and decided to become a Pastor. I don't think I've changed. I'm not preachy, I've never been a bible beater or in anyone's face about my spiritual beliefs and ideas. So, here I am. I'm going to try to work some of it through here.
peace,
Nirr
I lost my mother about 5 and a half years ago and it was really the beginning of a massive change in my life! She passed suddenly from what we believe was a blood clot related to a knee replacement surgery and cellulitus. It was one of the most horrible events in my life. I was also laid off from my job two weeks after her death when my company moved all of their customer service down south. So, here I was without my mother, who was my best friend in the world though I didn't know it when she was alive, and no job. I didn't do much with my life for the first two years after she died. I was miserable and I didn't want to fix it right away, in fact I couldn't see how it could be fixed. After that I got a new office job for a small company and really put all my hopes for a new beginning in that job. Well, it was the worst job I've ever had and the atomosphere was so rancid that I ended up having a "nervous breakdown". I lost that job, which looking back was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I remember sitting on my couch and looking around my apartment thinking about loosing it and being homeless. I had been away from the church for about 20 years at this point and while I prayed out of habit before bed every night, my heart wasn't in it. I sat there in tears, full of fear, and I asked God for help. I said, "I'll go back to church if you want God, but you need to show me the way." I googled local churches and there were two in the area that were my denomination. I picked the one that was closest and resolved to go the next day. I thought I knew where it was by the address so the next morning I got up and headed there. When I got to the place I believed it was, it wasn't. Every part of me said to just turn around and try again next week because I was comfortable with things going wrong. Then I heard this little voice in my head that said "take the next left," which I did saying to myself "if I don't see after this turn I give up." At the end of that street I saw the big stone steeple and thought "Wow, I almost went home." I pulled into the Church parking lot full of anxiety and fear. I was already crying and thought again, "Go home and try again next week," but I didn't. I got out and went in. I picked a pew in the middle of the church and pushed down against the wall. I sat through the service, participated as I could, but sobbed through the whole thing. At the point where we shake hands and offer the Peace of the Lord to others, one of the laypersons approached me and slipped me a slip of paper with her phone number. She said, "If you ever need someone to talk to, please call me and I will listen," and then hugged me. I felt embarrassed but I could not stop crying. As I left, the Pastor shook my hand and looked into my eyes and said that he would be praying for me, and he hoped I would come back. I went home and applied to a large Evangelical College and am now in my Junior Year pursuing a degree in Religion with a double major in Early Childhood Education.
Well, having grown up in a liberal state, in a liberal denomination, I find that the Evangelical Theology of my school is something I struggle with. My experience is that most of my classmates, whether in a religion class or a general education class, are very close minded and they get very angry and aggressive if I disagree with their interpretation of scripture. I didn't expect anything else, and would have attended another college if I could have found one that offered an online program and was closer in theology to my own denomination, but that wasn't an option for accredited schools at the time. I have learned a lot from my school and find myself defending it as often as I find myself frustrated with my classmates.
I want to talk about God, Christ and the things that I'm learning but I find that all of the people who would take to me about spirituality in the past, refuse to now that I have aligned myself with a specific denomination and decided to become a Pastor. I don't think I've changed. I'm not preachy, I've never been a bible beater or in anyone's face about my spiritual beliefs and ideas. So, here I am. I'm going to try to work some of it through here.
peace,
Nirr
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